Clear Channel Broadcasting CEO John Hogan announced Thursday that the company's Life Sciences Division (LSD) has successfully bred a species of tiny little dj's that can be used to cut personnel charges even beyond the deep cuts CCU has already made.
Since personnel costs can amount to as much as a third of a company's operating costs, this is exciting news from the publicly traded company. CCU stock prices are expected to rise substantially at the opening Friday morning of markets around the world.
The pair shown at left are twins who have been specially bred to do a team-based morning show in an unnamed CCU market at a Country station (tiny little cowboy hats are on order); others have been prepped to handle such mundane tasks as music programming, weekend tiny little dj scheduling, commercial production and promotions development. Plans are also in the works by LSD to develop other strains...the first working name is "tiny little managers" and the size of their claws will be much, much larger (about the size of a human eye).
One problem the scientists at LSD faced because of the diminutive size of their newest employeees was how to work them into board-operator positions. Since they will not be able to reach back and forth across the console to start events this was solved by genetically re-engineering the size and strength of the hip muscles and changing the weight distribution in their hips and buttocks. They will simply jump back and forth on the console buttons.
Their job description has been changed from "board-ops" to "board-hops".
They're expert climbers, with ringed tails and claws specially designed for scaling mic stands, also eliminating the high cost of studio furniture. According to a company spokesman, all studio furniture, with the exception of the tables upon which the broadcast consoles are mounted, will be sold at auction and replaced by several thousand wire cages company wide.
The genetic modifications necessary to create millions of tiny little bananas to feed them is currently underway.
Another problem: they speak in high pitched clicks, squeaks, whistles, and trills. But, says Hogan, "No problem, considering the crap that passes for popular music today. Plus, with the way we've jammed all our audio up to sound loud, who could tell the difference?"
The "tiny littles" live about 11 years, except for tiny little managers, who have a briefer lifespan. That's far longer than CCU expects to own most of their stations; according to Hogan, "The new owners can just chuck 'em in a blender with some ice and a coupla strawberries, maybe a shot or two of tequila, and make a tiny little dj smoothie if they don't want 'em. No soul, no foul!"
"Damn, son," the Texas-based Hogan continued, "You shoulda seen the size of the blenders we used to get rid of the full-sized dj's they replaced! And they went down smooth, too!"
Hogan plans to introduce the entire "tiny little" line of employees into the company by January 2007, to commemorate the 7th anniversary of the first installation of the Prophet System.
